Kathie Donovan | The Wellings

June 10, 2023December 15, 2023

The Game of Fitting in Versus The Feeling of Belonging

Have you ever felt like you didn’t fit in? I know I did in school, in some workplaces even in some friend circles. As I was trying to fit in, I felt unsure because I didn’t listen to myself. I looked to others for cues on how to behave and what to say. I felt lost and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. We are conditioned (I say conned) into believing that if we work hard to fit in, we will be rewarded by being accepted. We are social creatures, and we need to know that we matter to our tribe. We all want to feel accepted.

I like to remind people that we are all important and we matter but for some of us, it’s a stretch to really believe that because we’ve habitually modified our behaviour to try to fit in or we’ve put others needs before our own, so we don’t see how important we are; we don’t see that we matter. We need to recognize that belonging is different from fitting in. It takes courage and effort in the unlearning, to understand that being ourselves is the secret to belonging.

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”– Dr. Brene Brown PhD

I just finished reading media personality Paris Hilton’s memoir. When I saw the book, my first thought was that she’s too young, followed by she’s so privileged, why would anyone want to read about her experience? I was curious; I bought the book and I’m so glad I did. The great-granddaughter of Conrad Hilton, founder of Hilton Hotels has a reputation as a privileged wild child with a very rebellious spirit……that’s all I knew about her until I read the book. Her parents Kathy and Richard wanted Paris to fit in when her behaviour was taking her off the path, they had in mind for her as a Hilton. They tried everything they could to protect her but nothing stuck. Finally, they had her kidnapped in the middle of the night by two thugs, who transported her to a wilderness school for troubled kids, in the middle of nowhere California. She ran away, was captured, and was sent to another even more remote and wild so-called school.

It was all her parents could think of doing, to keep her safe and while it was done with good intentions, nobody caught that Paris had ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Her brain operates differently; she was not meant to fit in. She received the diagnosis around age 20; with treatment, the pieces fell together, and Paris soared. Her mind is hyper creative, she’s accomplished a lot and thanks to the humiliation she experienced at the wilderness camps for troubled kids, the paparazzi following her every move doesn’t scare her. In fact, Paris knows how to cooperate and make the relationship with the media work for everyone’s benefit. She belongs in the spotlight and the world accepts her there. Paris, just like all of us, was not meant to fit in; she was meant to be her true self. When we’re authentically ourselves, we’re not looking to fit it, we’re finding where we belong.

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”-Mother Teresa

Dr. Brene Brown PhD, an American professor, author, and researcher has spent decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She talks about the contrast between belonging and acceptance. Acceptance relies on others recognizing us, which is unpredictable at best, whereas belonging comes from within ourselves, as we get to know who we really are. In the process of getting to know ourselves, we learn about our strengths and our gifts; we develop confidence. Trying to fit in makes us feel unstable because it’s dependent on other people’s approval, while belonging feels solid.

If you want to deepen your sense of belonging instead of struggling to fit in, here are a few suggestions to try.

-Experiment with new things. When we step outside of what we consider our normal habits we always learn something, whether it’s discovering a new hobby or it’s that what we’re trying is not for us. If there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, start somewhere by researching or taking a class on the subject. We are never too old to learn, to dream, to experiment and to grow.

-Ask yourself what makes you feel connected to others. Is it your love of books or movies, your interest in history, food, flowers, or music? Look for groups in person or on-line to explore, learn and connect with like-minded folks.

-Be courageous. Say hello to your neighbours. Meet new people. Start conversations by asking people about themselves and really listening to what they have to say. You might be surprised by how much we have in common. We’re all human beings going through this life adventure with its high peaks and deep valleys.

-Be kind. We need to learn to be kind toward ourselves first because we’re human and life is challenging. When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, it becomes easier to treat other people with kindness and graciously receive kindness when it’s offered to us. Our acts of kindness may seem innocent, but kindness is the perfect expression of belonging. It implies that we have enough within ourselves and can happily share with others to elevate their day.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brene Brown teaches us that the greatest barrier to belonging is fitting in. She reminds us that while there are over seven million people on planet earth, there is only one you and you belong just as you are. You have experiences and knowledge that are yours alone; no one else on earth can be you. It’s the most beautiful reminder that you are important, and you matter whether it’s your home life, your work life, or your friend circle. Once you understand this truth, you’ll never need to fit in again.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

May 27, 2023December 15, 2023

How to Be There for Someone Going Through a Rough Time

We’ve all found ourselves in a situation where the wheels come off unexpectedly for someone we care about. What do we do? What can we say? Because there’s no handbook on the subject, sometimes we feel so awkward, we do nothing. It’s in our nature to want comfort from others and to comfort people we care about when things go sideways. Let’s try to cut through the awkwardness so we can feel empowered to take meaningful action and be supportive.

“Promise me you’ll always remember that you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -A.A. Milne

Connection and community are key elements of what I call sustainable happiness. We are made to be social, and we want to feel like we still belong when we are going through something. We need to understand that when someone is going through something tough, it is about them and not about us. When we focus on our discomfort around their situation and do nothing, that’s when we are making it about us. Understanding that distinction allows us to put our concerns aside so we can say and do things that express the compassion and empathy we feel for the person going through a rough time.

Oprah Winfrey taught me that we can’t take anything off anyone else’s journey. The lessons in someone else’s experience aren’t meant for us, they’re meant for the person going through it. What we can do is walk beside them to soothe, support, validate and hold space. It’s important that we read the situation carefully, to know how we can offer the best support.

If the person is comfortable talking, let them talk and ask questions that allow them to share without you having to inject your opinions or advice. Listening may very well be one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person. Let them know you’re listening by giving them physical cues like nodding your head or asking them to tell you more. Place your hand on their arm if it feels appropriate, to reinforce that you’re there for them. Repeat back to them what you heard them say to show them you are listening. As uncomfortable as it may be, resist the temptation to give advice, just be a good listener. That’s enough of a gift.

If the person isn’t comfortable talking or talking with you, be respectful, don’t take it personally, rather find something you can do for them. Perhaps send a note, an email, a text, or a phone call to remind the person that you’re thinking of them. Just because someone isn’t comfortable talking don’t stay away; take some kind of action. Investigate how you can help by asking friends and family what that person might need. Preparing food can be helpful if you learn what they like or what food restrictions they might have and remember that flowers are always a beautiful symbol of hope.

“We’re here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.” – Whoopi Goldberg

Remember that being there for someone is about helping them get through it, not forcing them to get over it. Grief has no specific expiry date, and we need to feel whatever it is we’re feeling when we’re grieving a job loss, a relationship or friendship ending or a death. When we’re trying to comfort someone, we want to ensure that we don’t get into toxic positivity by reminding the person how lucky they are. Let them feel all their feelings without judgment. Down the road, perhaps you can help them reframe their situation so they can move forward but in the middle of a storm we really need a safe place to hold on to. People going through a rough time need us to be grounded in strength; not in the soup with them.

“Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.” -Yumi Sakugawa

Life can be messy and while it’s uncomfortable, that’s part of the adventure. Resist the temptation to say to someone going through a rough time “let me know if I can do anything for you.” It’s really an empty offer because while it sounds like you want to do something to help, you’re placing the responsibility on the person going through it; chances are they won’t ask. Instead say, “I’m sorry about whatever happened because you are”. It’s genuine and meaningful for the person. Then take some initiative and offer something specific or circle back at another time with a more tangible offer of help.

It’s important to remember that friends are meant to comfort and not necessarily provide counseling. Should you find yourself in a situation that is beyond your scope, help connect the person you care for with some professional help.

What we really want to do for someone going through a challenging experience is to let them know that they are part of a community, that they’re important and they matter regardless of what’s happening in their life. Simply validating someone’s feelings when they’re sad or overwhelmed lets them know that it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling and reminds them that they are accepted as they are.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

April 1, 2023December 15, 2023

How Play Can Change Your Life for the Better

Were you one of those kids who went outside to play with your friends and the only rule was you had to be home before the streetlights came on? Or if you were underfoot in the house, your Mum would say go outside and play and you did. Happily. Nobody had to teach us how to play, we were ready for any adventure and willing to try new ways to enjoy playtime. That’s kids for you, right?

According to the National Institute for Play in the United States, we can all benefit from play. The unfortunate part is that we’ve been conditioned to believe that play is for children. It’s time to set the record straight. The NIP states that “play is the gateway to vitality.” According to their studies, play makes us more optimistic, it promotes a sense of belonging and community, among other things. In her recent TED Talk on the power of fun, author Catherine Price says that fun is not frivolous or optional; fun is the secret to feeling alive at any age.

A few years ago, Wellings’ VP of Marketing Natalie Tommy and I were touring some Wellings communities. I remember so clearly when we were visiting Goderich, Ontario. There was an outdoor play and exercise area on the lakeshore. We hopped on swings, a teeter totter, an elliptical and both giggled while we played on the equipment. We were experiencing the freedom children feel when they play. It was both energizing and inspiring; we felt so alive. That’s what it is to have fun and play. When we share the experience with friends, it increases our delight, we let go of perfectionism and simply enjoy the moment.

Sure, adulting is hard. We have a lot of pressure with our to do lists, the demands of family, work life and the stress we can feel around the use of our electronic devices but somewhere in there, there must be time for play and fun. Play creates connection, encourages lightheartedness, often induces laughter, and makes us resilient. Play makes for good relationships and it benefits our health, especially our immune system.

“Play is training for the unexpected.”
– Marc Bekoff

Consider walking, jogging, gardening, and yard chores as play instead of work to get the ball rolling. Are there games you like to play? I’m a secret Scrabble lover and I’ve been known to lie well when playing Balderdash. LOL. Board games are good play, so why not invite a few friends to join you for an afternoon or evening session? Forget the competitive aspect of game playing and you’ll have more fun. Karaoke is hilarious but maybe that’s just when I try to sing. LOL. Participate in a dance class, take up a musical instrument or if crafting is your thing, invite some friends to join you in making crafts around the holidays or doing some baking together.

Certain activities help with our brain function and memory like card games, chess, puzzles; any game that challenges the mind. There’s golf and one of the fastest growing sports for seniors: pickle ball. If you don’t like sports or don’t feel up to getting out on the course or the court, try sitting outside on a beautiful day and looking for animal shapes in the clouds. Our beautiful imagination has no limitations, and it loves to have fun.

During the Pandemic some of us became socially isolated and now that we’re resuming more normal activities, we can focus on connecting with other people to keep ourselves socially fit. Get-togethers are good fun and too often, we wait for someone else to arrange them. Why not organize a coffee or tea party for no reason (or make one up) and invite a few friends to bring their favourite sweet treat to share?

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”
– George Bernard Shaw

A good conversation can feel like play if you keep the topic light, which you can do by steering the discussion with questions about each other that prompt positive memories. Laughter is good medicine, especially in these strange times, so movie nights to watch a comedy with friends or going to a comedy club should help increase the feeling of having fun together. Too often we humans are eager to share our complaints but complaining does nothing to improve the situation. It’s just a signal that something needs to shift, and it may very well be your mindset.

I encourage you as I encourage myself to make play and fun a priority every day. As often as possible, share your play time with others to increase the benefit. It’ll make for more joy in your day which will make you a better friend and a better partner. I don’t know who started the rumour that life is serious business, but I can tell you that the power of play and fun will light you up on the inside and help transform your life for the better.

Enjoy this short video clip of Nat and Kat having a blast. Click here to watch the video.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

March 4, 2023December 15, 2023

Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone; The Best Is Yet To Come

Human beings are creatures of comfort, aren’t we? We love it when our life circumstances feel comfortable, safe, and familiar. We’ve got a long list of reasons why we don’t want to give up what’s easy in exchange for what might be difficult even though science tells us that there’s great reward in that trade.

The comfort zone is a mental state where we feel safe, where we’re not being questioned. It’s life under a cozy blanket; we like it because nobody is challenging us, we avoid feeling anxious and life feels certain. Because it’s not enjoyable to feel uncertain or anxious, our mind tells us to stay put but what it doesn’t tell us is what we might be missing out on. Personal growth and having new experiences all require us to get uncomfortable before we can realize the reward.

The comfort zone is the great enemy of courage and confidence.
-Brian Tracy

Why is it so hard for us to get out of our comfort zone and why should we bother? It’s so hard for us mostly because fear of the unknown can be enough to have us procrastinate. Uncertainty and procrastination are the stepbrothers of fear. Terms like I can’t, I’ve never done that, I’m not good at that or I’m not sure are all expressions of fear and uncertainty. It’s our mindset convincing us to avoid challenge or discomfort. The second part of the question is why should we bother pushing out of our comfort zone? Even though new encounters can feel unsafe, pursuing different experiences helps us learn about ourselves and about life. We expand our horizons and reinforce that we can do hard things. Ultimately, embracing new experiences whether they work out for us or not helps expand our comfort zone in the long run.

I’m an introvert who has developed skills that allow me to meet new people, speak in front of audiences in person and on television. It has been such a great education and I have certainly benefited from stepping outside of my comfort zone. I was once a person who feared her own shadow and by taking many courageous steps, I developed a confidence that still surprises me some days. In the process of learning more about myself, I’ve learned that most of us are afraid and while I have great empathy, I also know the joy that lives on the other side of fear, and I know that courage is the superpower to take us through.

Getting to know more about ourselves our likes, and dislikes, learning about different lifestyles, cultures, expanding our knowledge base in areas of interest or new topics all provide fuel for conversation, open new opportunities for connection and friendship, help develop our character and teach us how to manage fear.

“Fear feeds all the negative qualities that make you feel bad about yourself: doubt, self-hatred, and despair. Faith feeds all the positive qualities that make you feel good about yourself: self-confidence, self-love, and hope. When you choose faith over fear, you create a positive destiny for yourself.”
–Darrin Donnelly

To switch out of our comfort zone we first must be willing to shift something. Notice I don’t use the word change here. No surprise that my brain doesn’t like change because just like you, I’m wired for safety. But if I say that I want to shift something, I can usually sneak under the radar and start implementing small alterations in my behaviour. Yes, micro shifts are where it’s at for me and I encourage you to resist getting overwhelmed by something new to you and take any small action. This way you’re demonstrating to yourself that growth is possible. This is a great place to start.

Get out of your comfort zone and bring comfort to others.
-Ravi Shankar

Do you have a list of things you’ve always wanted to do? If not, why not invest some time in creating that list because this activity signals to your brain that you’re interested in checking out some new experiences. Then select one thing on that list and research it by speaking with other people about it or exploring online. If you can, take one small step toward experiencing whatever that activity is even if it’s watching videos online about it. Our brain really doesn’t know the difference between a physical experience, a video experience, or an imagined experience. Enjoy playing around without pressuring yourself to do anything.

The road to success is always under construction.
-Lily Tomlin

Change your routine to get out of your comfort zone. Take an alternate route, order something new at your favourite eatery, try a different exercise. If you’re used to being alone, contact someone and ask them to meet for coffee. If you’re not used to writing notes, do that. If you’re not used to giving compliments, try it. If you’re not used to asking other people how they’re doing, do that. If you’ve never volunteered, why not give it a go? You have so much gold to offer this world and tending to your own personal growth creates a ripple effect. Your courage not only demonstrates what you’re capable of, which increases confidence; it also gives other people permission to stretch what’s possible for them. Let’s vow together to live without regret, to challenge any negative or limiting beliefs and to get out of our comfort zone so that we can live life fully, knowing that the best is yet to come.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

February 5, 2023December 15, 2023

What Is That Feeling of Happiness And How Can We Get More of It?

One of the top goals for us human beings, especially here in North America, is to be happy. In fact, the quest for happiness drives many of our behaviours. We look to positive experiences, expecting that they will make us happy. We relish the feeling of achieving a goal or revel in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and while both feel great, the feeling doesn’t last. So, let’s look at what that feeling is and how we can nourish more of it in our lives.

I’ve been studying and teaching what I call sustainable happiness for a long time but only recently challenged myself to explore the physiological aspect of happiness. Our beautiful brains produce chemicals or neurotransmitters that flood our body with good feelings. I wanted to share what I’ve learned here, so we can all look for ways to tap into this brilliant natural resource.

There are four main chemicals our brain produces: serotonin, sometimes called the happy hormone, endorphins, think runners high, oxytocin, known as the cuddle hormone and dopamine, think pleasure.

“The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.” -Henry Ward Beecher

There’s a very good reason why we may not feel so cheerful on cloudy days. Sunshine helps our brain produce a chemical messenger or neurotransmitter called serotonin. Its purpose is to stabilize our mood; it contributes to our wellbeing and feelings of happiness. It also plays a role in our digestion and sleep.

If serotonin is low in your body, your immune system, digestive system, and sleep rhythm can be impacted and if serotonin is too low for too long, it can lead to depression. Some people with low serotonin can treat it with diet, by eating foods containing the amino acid tryptophan. Foods such as turkey, chicken, pork, eggs, and tofu are all good sources. Also, light exposure and exercise help with serotonin levels. The prescription then to increase serotonin, in addition to diet, is to make sure you get daily exercise and exposure to sunlight. If you feel your serotonin levels are off, speak with your healthcare provider, who is very well equipped to help.

“Happiness is a direction, not a place.” -Sydney J Harris

Many of us have experienced an endorphin rush after an exhilarating activity like running, which is why we refer to the feeling as runners high. The name endorphin is derived from endogenous morphine, meaning internally produced morphine or natural pain medicine. Endorphins are produced when we participate in both pleasurable and painful activities, providing pain relief and a sense of well-being. Say you sprain your wrist; endorphins flood your body to ease the pain. On the flip side, when you laugh uncontrollably, your body is flooded with endorphins. Research is ongoing but here are a few suggestions to help boost endorphin production in your body. Exercise moderate to vigorous, hearty laughter, listening to music, including yoga and meditation in your daily routine, having sex, enjoying dark chocolate, and acupuncture treatments all contribute to increased endorphins in the body; it sounds like a great prescription to me.

“Laughter boosts the immune system and helps the body fight off disease, cancer cells as well as viral, bacterial, and other infections. Being happy is the best cure of all diseases!” - Patch Adams

Full disclosure here: I am a cuddle bug. I love to experience that feeling of connection through snuggling; it goes way back to my childhood. I can’t help myself and I don’t want to help myself because now I see that science backs up the theory that cuddling is good for us.

Oxytocin, known as the love chemical, is released when we’re hugging, cuddling a person or a pet, kissing, and when we’re being kind to one another. Imagine that: you’re producing the love chemical for yourself, while you’re being kind to someone else. It’s no wonder kind people always seem to be so happy.

Oxytocin plays a role in reproduction, in birthing babies and bonding; any time we’re in a situation that gives us the warm and fuzzies, we’re feeling the effects of oxytocin. Ways to increase this cuddle hormone are staying connected with people you love, doing acts of kindness and hugging. There’s an added benefit if you can hold the hug for between 6 and 20 seconds because you’re lowering the stress hormone cortisol. Music, especially singing in groups, massage and making love all contribute to increased levels of oxytocin. Let’s get cuddling.

“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” -Guillaume Apollinaire

Finally, dopamine, known as the pleasure chemical, travels through our nervous system and affects many areas of our lives including motivation, movement, mood, sleep and even our heart rate. It’s a big part of our unique ability as human beings to think and make plans. Dopamine also plays a role in our brain’s reward system. The creators of social media understand this very well; it explains why the apps keep us coming back. Likes and shares give us a dopamine hit, so we must be careful to manage how much time and energy we invest in this type of reward system, to keep our happy hormones in check.

When dopamine levels are low, we can lack motivation and feel chronically tired; low dopamine levels can contribute to addictive behaviour. Ingesting too much caffeine, alcohol or sugar can deplete dopamine, as will high stress. That’s the bad news; the good news is that there are supplements including some B vitamins and vitamin D that you can take to increase dopamine production.

I’m a big believer in the power of expressing gratitude and showing appreciation; it makes me so happy to see that mainstream science recognizes the benefit of these practices. I believe in the power of exercise, laughter, eating a healthy diet rich in colourful fruit and vegetables and exposure to sunlight. I believe in the power of dancing like nobody’s watching and one of the most important contributors to our happiness: connection and community because sharing our journey with others decreases stress and increases happiness. Here’s to a year filled with your own flavour of happiness and a wish that you share it freely with others.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

January 6, 2023December 15, 2023

Moving On To Create Space For Your Best Life

Happy New Year. May this year bring you much joy, kindness, and blessings too many to count. January always feels like a fresh start to me. It’s an opportunity to look at where we can edit out what no longer serves us and invite in new experiences.

Last fall, I spent some time looking at what’s in my clothes closet because it was time for the annual clear out. While I feel very blessed to have a lot of clothes, some of them have been waiting for a turn for far too long. My lifestyle has changed a little during the pandemic and some of my pants seem to have shrunk, so it was time to evaluate what clothing matched my current life.

Timing is everything because as I was thinking about clearing out my closet, I received a call from a local charity, offering to pick up any clothing or household items I didn’t need any longer. All I had to do was leave bags on my porch and they would swing by and pick them up. In a flurry, I edited my wardrobe and my surplus gift drawer, filling bags and my heart, knowing that the beautiful items I was parting with would be well received by someone else.

We humans have a habit of hanging onto stuff, people, and situations sometimes for too long. We’re attached to the past because it’s familiar, so even when situations, relationships and sometimes pants are no longer a fit for our current life, we hang on, allowing these things to take up space that we really need for something or someone more in line with our current circumstances.

I understand the courage it takes to edit people and situations in our life that aren’t aligned with our current needs. It’s been a personal project of mine, over the last ten years or so. Sometimes, those of us who are recovering people pleasers must learn that unless a situation or a relationship is an enthusiastic yes then it’s really a no or a not right now. That means setting healthy boundaries to ensure we’re not compromising ourselves any further.

“If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that leads to far more problems than if we’d said no in the first place.”
-Natalie Lue

In my experience, we must let some things and people go to create space for what truly reflects wherever we are right now. I love what Eckhart Tolle says about surrender: “To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on. True surrender, however, is something entirely different. It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and to do nothing about it. Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action.

“Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life.”
-Eckhart Tolle

When we yield to the flow of life, in other words, when we accept our circumstances instead of wishing our life could be different, we’re creating space for new opportunities and we’re setting ourselves up to take clear action toward the next steps on our adventure. At this time of year, we’ve been conditioned (I say conned) into thinking that if we make resolutions to change our habits or introduce new ones, we’ll finally achieve our dreams and goals. Then there’s the inevitable lunch bag letdown that sneaks in because the pressure is overwhelming, and we feel disappointed in ourselves once again because we didn’t get something right. It’s such a waste of our precious energy and time. Wouldn’t it feel better and be more productive to focus on some healthy thinking habits and take small action in the direction we want to be going in? For those of us who are recovering people pleasers, choosing to focus on saying no or not right now to an invitation that we really don’t want to accept is empowering. Practicing even this one thing will help you to feel increasingly convinced that the decisions you make are right for you. Choosing to prioritize your own health, happiness and well-being by saying no is not a negative, although at first it may feel that way. Trust me, with practice and kindness, this gets easier.

Habits become habits because we choose something repeatedly until it’s an engrained part of who we are. I wasn’t always a grateful person, I lived in a lack mindset for many decades of my life, thinking I didn’t have enough, I wasn’t enough, and I couldn’t do enough. The result was that I lacked happiness, enjoyment, and satisfaction. Once I started nurturing the habit of focusing on what I’m grateful for in my life, the results shifted. I started noticing all the ways I had enough because I had learned to count my blessings instead of noticing what was wrong with everything. I learned that I am enough exactly as I am, and I am doing enough because I’m committed to doing my best. It’s remarkable how powerful we human beings are when we acknowledge that life is a beautiful, challenging, dynamic experience and every one of us is deserving of all the good life has to offer; all we have to do is create space to receive it.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

December 9, 2022December 15, 2023

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the Holidays

December is an exceptional month and one of my favourites. It marks the end of the calendar year, the return of more daylight and many gatherings for religious and family celebrations. It’s a time of both reverence and joyfulness. We all have ways to mark the special occasions we celebrate and outside of the more formal religious traditions, it’s a good idea to make sure our rituals match our lifestyle.

It’s been said that the festive season is the most wonderful time of the year, and it can be. I’ve chosen to stop making the full turkey dinner for our Christmas celebration; instead, my gift to myself is purchasing the meal already made, requiring some easy reheating in the oven. When you add up the time and effort it’s a fair trade with the added benefit of more time for me to enjoy the day.

If the Pandemic has taught us anything, it’s to have a deeper appreciation of what’s important to us, choosing to invest our precious time wisely. It’s not so much how many friends you have but the quality of those friendships. The Pandemic reminded us that we’re all in this together and helped us feel more comfortable caring for each other. These are the things to celebrate during the festive season.

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”
-Hamilton Wright Mabie

The Danish and Norwegian cultures set the mood for feelings of well-being and pleasure with their tradition of Hygge (pronounced hew-guh). It’s a general living concept that focuses on coziness and enjoying the good things in life with good people. If you’re on your own, simply enjoying your morning cup of coffee or tea in a cozy setting or dressing warmly to enjoy a walk outdoors would do the trick. Perhaps taking a bubble bath will help create that comfy feeling.

Gathering with people is a feature of Hygge, given the long cold winter days. We can create a welcoming atmosphere to share food and drink with friends but consider doing it during the day for lunch or snacks instead of in the evening for dinner. It’s a way to connect over festive food and uplift one another, in a season where some of us may struggle.

“May your walls know joy, may every room hold laughter, and every window open to great possibility.”
-Mary Anne Radmacher

Nostalgia can take hold in December, when we’re reminded of family and friends we miss or traditions we long for. Recently I learned from an ageless 97-year-old woman at Wellings of Corunna that it’s better to focus on what we can do instead of complaining about what we can’t do anymore. It may be the perfect opportunity to start some new activities that will light you up this festive season or re-ignite some of the traditions you loved before the Pandemic started.

If you long for the gatherings you used to have, organize a gathering with a few friends, where everyone brings some food to share or have everyone contribute to having it catered. Instead of missing all the baking you used to do for family and friends, come up with one or two things you love to make and share your goodies with people around you. How about a special sweet gift for that person who might be challenging to love or who might be struggling in some way?

Consider creating your own holiday cards or purchasing cards and sending them in the mail or dropping off at someone’s door, to lift their spirits and let them know you’re thinking of them. Again, consider someone who might be stressed about something because they need our kindness now more than ever. In fact, kindness is the best one-size fits all, everyone needs it kind of gift.

If you’re considering what to give your family and friends, why not ask them what they need instead of giving them more stuff. Maybe they need help paying bills or they need a night off from taking care of children; your gift could be to pay for a babysitter. One Christmas my husband and I were gifted with a three-month soup subscription and another year we received a three-month cheese subscription. Being creative with gift giving is lots of fun and makes the person receiving your gift feel special.

I find twinkle lights so festive; I have them glowing in our living room, all winter long. They’re inexpensive and rather magical to me. I’m sticking with two traditions that have deep roots in both my husband’s and my family. My mother-in-law’s white fruit cake is something people line up for and the treasured plum pudding that my Mum and Godmother made will grace our table and will be shared as gifts. These limited-edition homemade treats evoke the spirit of Hygge (which makes me think of a hug) bringing up warm, cozy memories we all have of the festive season.

This year, as you reflect on what’s important to you, enjoy sharing the spirit of the season with others and remember to be a gracious receiver. Appreciation and kindness are two of the most needed gifts of all. Wishing you much joy, peace and Hygge this holiday season.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

November 4, 2022December 15, 2023

Resilience Is Our Superpower

The widely accepted definition of resilience explains our ability as human beings to adapt well when times are tough. In my view, resilience is not only about our astonishing capacity to endure difficult experiences, but also about our ability to adjust and cope with situations in a way that empowers us to emerge stronger, to thrive in the aftermath and to integrate the lessons learned. We do all of this without thinking much about it; it’s more proof that we are far more powerful than we give ourselves credit for.

We see resilience in action every day at Wellings, as folks adapt to living in community. Over the past couple of weeks, Natalie and I were blessed to visit several Wellings locations and were struck by the many life stories members wanted to share. We hear resilience in many of them, like the gentleman who was living alone in a five-bedroom home, doing his best to maintain it before choosing to give up the space in his house for space in his life to enjoy. Not long after moving into Wellings, he broke his arm and has found great support from his new community to do simple everyday tasks.

Too often we think we can’t do something or we’re too frightened to take a risk to see whether it will work out. It’s interesting to observe the air of confidence our community members have after moving into Wellings. One woman shared with us that her blood pressure and anxiety were both high, while she did her best to take care of the family home alone, after her husband passed away. After three months of living at Wellings, her mood has completely changed: her blood pressure is down and she’s enjoying life.

“Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength.”
-Betty Friedan

There’s the couple who had been experimenting with different ways to right size their lifestyle, after giving up their family home. They moved around in a motorhome, so that they could see the country and spend the winter away from the snow. Once they heard about Wellings, they decided to take the plunge and see if our style of community living was a fit for their active lifestyle. Now they’re leaders in the community, spreading positivity and forging great relationships.

There’s the farmer who lost his wife and wasn’t used to going to events on his own. About eight years ago, this music lover decided to go to a concert alone. He was standing in line waiting to go in when he met a lovely woman in line behind him. She had also lost her spouse and while neither of them had purchased a ticket in advance the music was magic that night and brought them together in marriage and eventually, they chose to make their home at Wellings. They were looking for a Carefreedom lifestyle and what they found was a welcoming community, where they can thrive.

One of the most amazing stories I’ve heard from our community members is from a woman who started by saying that she is the most blessed person. She went on to say that on her birthday at the beginning of the Pandemic she wasn’t feeling well. After loving nudges from her family, she asked her partner to take her to the hospital. She had a heart attack in the car and died. Fortunately, she was revived in just a few minutes by the hospital’s medical team. This happened twice more on the same day, for a few minutes each time. She lights up when she shares her story and now that she and her partner are living at Wellings, she’s sharing her joy of living in the moment with everyone she encounters. She sure shines bright.

We meet people who have moved from other cities to live at Wellings because they recognize the power of having positive social connections. Initially it’s scary not only because of a geographical move but a shift in lifestyle. Once settled into the community, they tell us it was the best move they could have made. New friendships are forged and there’s the all-important feeling of being part of something that feels familiar yet fresh and invigorating.

“Resilience: we all have a lot of it, but we don’t think about it because fear always dominates. Change is good but fear always dominates.”
– Kathie Donovan

Resilience is not something we’re simply born with, it’s an adaptive process that can be learned. If you want to nourish more resilience in your life, here are some ideas to inspire you.

-Recognize that life’s challenges and setbacks are temporary and are setups for the next chapter.

– Choose to be optimistic and look for the silver lining in every situation.

– Recognize that some things in life are out of your control and act on the things you can manage.

– Participate in new activities.

-Ask yourself what is most important right now and act on those items.

– Make stress management practices like exercise and breathing techniques part of your daily routine.

– Control your thoughts; don’t let them run wild with worry.

– Make it a habit to help other people.

– Accept help from other people.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve received from our members is a woman who approached me after one of our talks in the community. She said that she wasn’t expecting what she experienced and was happy to share with me that she learned something about herself. I asked her what it was, and she replied, “I learned that I’m important.” We are all important and we matter at any age or any stage of life. The beautiful thing about getting older is that we have plenty of experience and hopefully lots of wisdom to help us see that connection and community are important pillars.

I hope that you feel inspired by some of the stories I’ve shared here and recognize that the connections our members are making in their community bring joy to their lives, which has a ripple effect. Choosing to live at Wellings is truly a fresh start for many and after speaking with members of our communities, it’s clear that the future of aging looks bright. Thriving in community is one of the secrets to success in this next brilliant chapter of life.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

October 1, 2022December 15, 2023

Choose Compassion Over Judgement to Thrive in Community

Judgement says, “I see you; you’re different from me.” Compassion says, “I see you and we’re in this together.”

Judgement makes us unavailable for new information; compassion opens our hearts and minds.

We spend a lot of energy being concerned about other people’s judgement of us for any number of reasons. Too often, our worry prevents us from doing things we might really enjoy like meeting new people or having new experiences. What we forget is that other people’s judgement of us reflects something in them and has nothing to do with us.

People are going to judge us; that’s a fact of life. It’s how we respond that makes the difference. When we choose our response, we must remember that we don’t have to take everyone’s opinion on board because their view isn’t about us at all. However, if we feel their judgement is warranted, we can ask ourselves what we can learn from it.

People have judged me because I’m short in stature. Truth be told, being small has been a ticket to the front of the line more times than I can count, and I’ve never felt that my height was a disadvantage. You know what they say about good things coming in small packages, right?

When I worked in mainstream television, I had someone tell me that I was too short to work on TV. I mean what do you do with a comment like that? Truthfully, I was offended and what I learned from that encounter was to lighten the moment because I understand that people don’t necessarily intend to offend. It happened quite a bit over my career because our beautiful imaginations project all kinds of qualities onto the people we see on television that don’t necessarily match with reality. When someone would say, “I didn’t expect you to be so short,” I’d say “well you have to be small to fit into the box” when televisions were shaped more like a box. It lightened the moment and diffused any awkwardness for the person making the comment. That’s employing compassion in the face of judgement and for me it is always the right thing to do.

“We cannot always do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love.” -Mother Teresa

As much as we find it easy to judge others, we have an equal supply of compassion we can call on. It may not be our first thought but remembering that we’re in charge of our responses to other people, we can choose again and select compassion instead of judgement any time. It takes practice but it’s a habit I strongly recommend nurturing, especially when we’re living in a community. You never know how the compassion you show someone else is going to impact their day. One small act of kindness, instead of judgement, can make the difference between someone feeling alone or feeling included.

When we care about other people and act from an intention of compassion instead of judgement we benefit because we feel good, our family, our friends, and our community all benefit too because the intention and the action coming from compassion help to lighten the moment and diffuse any awkwardness, just like I did with the people who said silly things to me.

“Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.” –Pema Chodron

There is one very important piece about compassion and judgement that we can’t overlook. Nobody is more judgemental of you than you are, and I think that needs to go. I wouldn’t want your fear of making a mistake, saying the “wrong” thing, or failing at something to prevent you from enjoying your life and trying new things. When we’re compassionate toward ourselves, we stretch what’s possible in our lives. If something difficult or painful happens, think of how you might comfort someone you care about and say those things to yourself. Take good care of yourself; when your body wants rest, listen, and give yourself a rest. Cultivate a habit of speaking kindly to yourself about yourself. Accept yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings as they are without trying to change anything. This practice of being nonjudgemental softens us and increases the compassion we feel for ourselves, which in turn makes it easier to be compassionate toward other people.

Here are a few ideas to help nurture the habit of being compassionate:

Listen. Being a good listener means asking questions and listening without having to talk about yourself or offering advice.
Put yourself in someone else’s place. Imagine what it must be like to be new in your community for example and invite someone new in by making them feel welcome. If someone in your community is going through a tough time, send a card or drop off a thoughtful gift to let them know you’re thinking of them. Ask them how they’re doing and just listen with compassion. If someone is celebrating something, the same thing applies. You never know the impact you can have on one person or many people just by letting someone know you’re thinking of them.
Say encouraging things to others and know that they feel better for having been in your company.
Use the words thank you as often as possible.

Compassion is one of the keys to living well. Remember we’re all human, we all have a story, we all have feelings, and we are all in this together.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

September 9, 2022December 15, 2023

Thriving In Community

I remember my first day on the kibbutz in Israel. I was a twenty something Catholic girl from Montreal moving into a community I knew very little about; frankly, I was overwhelmed. Over my three months stay as a volunteer, I would be rotated through working in the kitchen, laundry, orange groves, cotton fields and helping with young children. I made friends among the volunteers and the kibbutzniks; I learned about a rich culture of collaboration, kindness and inclusion. The overwhelm I felt at the start was replaced with a feeling of deep admiration and connection with a community that felt more like family.

The aspect of kibbutz life that impressed me the most was how families were integrated and elders were revered. I enjoyed many conversations with older people, who had settled the kibbutz and soaked up insights from them on the importance of sustainable gardening and the beauty of growing older. They felt their importance in the kibbutz culture and when I came back to Canada, I was reminded of how we’ve had it so wrong for so long. I knew we were missing the gift of being able to hang out with and learn from people who have accrued a lot of wisdom over their lifetime.

Many years later, when I learned about The Wellings model of community living, something resonated deeply with me. In my mid-sixties at the time, I was now becoming one of those older people and I recognized that there was a great wave of us entering an important stage of life. We’re interested in being active, social, feeling part of community and we want to choose how we invest our precious time. The folks who designed The Wellings communities recognize that we are all important and we matter. I feel honoured and excited about the work we do to support people in making the next chapter of their life one of the best.

When we are part of a community that wants the same things such as comfort and convenience, connection with others and freedom to do as we please, the only thing we must do is realize how to maximize the experience. None of us are irrelevant, regardless of our age or our abilities. We need to accept that there will be challenges, just like every other stage of life but we don’t want our challenges to define our experience.

Which brings me to the subject of happiness and the question: what really makes us happy? The first answer most people give is either family, children or grandchildren which translates to feeling seen and feeling part of community. While we all have something to contribute to our family and our community at every stage of life, having an open mind and an open heart as we age means we’re receptive to new ideas, we’re interested in hearing other people’s stories, and we want the best not only for ourselves but for everyone in the community.

Once we have clarity around what’s important to us or what makes us happy, we can prioritize that in our everyday activities. One thing we must understand is that if we want to feel valued by others, we must make the first move and show others why we’re valuable instead of waiting for others to acknowledge it in us. If we want to feel kindness in our community, instead of waiting for others to show kindness to us, we need to pledge to be kind to others.

Kindness is one of the most important qualities in any human being at any age and it’s powerful. Dr. David Hamilton a physicist turned kindness expert explains that every act of kindness we do impacts at least five people: first, you benefit because your brain produces dopamine (known as helpers high). When you feel good, you produce oxytocin, which causes the release of nitric oxide, which reduces blood pressure and is said to be cardio protective. Oxytocin is also said to slow aging by reducing inflammation in the body. We are all wired for kindness so when we’re kind it’s much easier to make connection and form relationships. Obviously, the person receiving your kindness benefits and so does anyone who observes the act of kindness and anyone they tell about it. Added bonus: kindness is contagious, so you never know who you’re inspiring by being kind.

There are so many mixed messages in our culture about getting older and we want to support ideas such as ageless living, where your age doesn’t matter but who you are does. Just like life on the kibbutz, we want to encourage cooperation and collaboration in community instead of complaining and above all we want everyone to know that they are important, and they matter.

Reading reference: The Five Side Effects of Kindness Dr. David Hamilton, Hay House 2017

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan